i lost you. i lost him. i lost everybody. i'm living alone. i'm leaving soon. the pain is hurting more then i thought. its taking my life away, but its okay. everything is impossible, i cant changed it anymore. i just vented everything out on you yesterday, but it doesnt matter anymore. when you left, i felt the sudden blow and the pain i felt once. i love you. i need you. i miss you. but it doesnt matter anymore. i'm crying my heart out once again. the pain can be ease. its so hard to climb up again. i'm fallen. i cant take it anymore. i thought everything was different. i thought i found the right one. but thanks to me, i caused everything. thanks to me, i got hurt, i wasted your time. i'm scared. i know i not a good girl, i chose to let you go. chose to let you find someone better. i wont bring you happiness. go find someone better. someone that is worth you love. the pain and hurt that i'm suffering is nothing, its okay.

hold on or leave?

one month, its keep chanting in my mind one month, one month, one month, and it seems like i can go mad anything, i am crying every single day, but there is nothing i can do to ease the pain, crying no longer helps, now i start to bite myself, work myself to sorrow till i cant feel anything but it isnt helpful at all, friends told me not to think about it, stay strong and cheer up.
but i cant, i am a weak duckling...
i told myself its not worth crying, that i should stay strong and be happy, and not to think about it, but i cant! what else you want me to do?
i dont want to wish and hope anymore, cause in the end of the day disappointment will come.
i'm crying to myself, my heart is bleeding, i never felt so hurt before...i still remember every word you said, i said i want to break, but you told me its because its boring and keep holding on, i am letting go, yet all these dont want to end, hey! you see! decision is made by we human and not nature, we are the one we holds it, you said were drifting apart, but you think i want it? i am trying my best, all the hurt that this relationship has cause is the one that caused it to drift. yeah! so what you said those i love you were fake? i really dont know, only you can answer it.
maybe a one month break is a good thing, maybe its not. taking a break from each other and start a new is a good thing, but one month without each other, how will you feel? some say that it hurts, that the both parties will come to a point to understand how much they need each other, but i dont know. i am confused, i cant think straight, i comr get to a point to calm myself dowb and think about everything, whenever there is a stuff, place or whatever that reminds me off you, i start to tear, even reading your msg over and over again, made me tear too. it reminds me of how sweet you were in the past, how much you use to care and dote, have you all forgotten?

afterall, maybe its just me and my emotional. i cant it anymore, i am slowly leaving...
i need you and use just tell me to do what i want, bye, like what the heck, i am over here crying and breaking down for no apparent reason, and you ask me to go do what i want, i need you, yet you dont know, forget it, i dont need it anymore!
i am feeling so fucking useless, tears keep flowing out and i cant stop it, fuck all this!

after all we have been through, you were still holding on, standing firm and strong, thanks baby, thanks for all the chances you have givent me no matter how many mistake i made. i am sorry for hurting once and once again. i aint a good girlfriend actually, too many thoughts on my mind, too many think i am thinking off, i dont know why its feel like its troubling me, it is me who cause all these extra thoughts, but it was also a good thing actually, whatever i said that you dont agree really pissed you off, that is what i can tell. yeah! i cant see that you really cherish this relationship alot for all your ex, thanks for lasting with me for so long, i finally broke your record of your longest relationship (Y) haha.
after thinking back what has happen, i just realised that after ecery quarrel you would want to see me, why is it so? the answer to myself was because, you were scared to lose me, because you know that one day if i couldnt take it i would leave, and you wanted to know that i'm still by your side with you. whether this answer i have is correct or wrong it lies within you.
you always know when i needed you the most, you always know how to make me happy, you always know that you will be there if i got any problem. but i dont know, all i know is stand and wait there waiting for something to happen to you and hear you out, i never once leave.
you told me before if i leave you, you will do silly things, and you told me before that you will wait for me, but baby you gotta to know that once i leave i aint turning back like what you did, i wont be soft hearted anymore, i wont be nice, and you will see a 180 degree change in me, i will no longer be the same girl i use to be. there's so many thing i wish you would know.
1. i aint as strong as before
2. stop making me disappointed
3. dont joke around about things you know that will cause a quarrel
4. i am still scared of losing you
5. dont ever go around flirting other girls
6. never cheat on me, if you do these, there is no room for anything
7. when i am tired of everything, i will leave
8. i get tempremental and moodswing easily, and you gotta give in to me
9. i never wanted you to leave
10. i will love you no matter what happen
shall be heading to thailand on 12dec with grandparents, during baby chalet, its sometime off from each other, that is what i really needed the most, after so long, but i gotta admit both of us need a break off.
and baby agreed to meet me before we go off and when i come back, which is probably a few hours before my birthday, crap much! but still that is what he say, and celebrating our 7th month together, i seriously hope he can spend the 3days with me before i head off to thailand. gonna miss him much plus parents and brothers, gonna get lots of shirts and some soveniors? heh! and see whats there to get baby and parents, brother? not buying for them >< kekeke~ shall buy toys >< gonna spend spend spend!

after everything you said, it really kills me, i no longer think that we were meant to be together, i dont know why do i need to keep holding on.
you will never know how much i cried for you, never know how much i give in and did for you, you will never know.
it was my fault to make you so tired, but do you think i even wanted too? i feel so disappointed in myself that i cant keep promises i keep breaking it, but i never did meant too. its hard. they are your friend, so am i their friend.
you only know how to push all the blame to me, what about your friend? you dont find fault at them? you wont! i am tired of all these, so do you. you giving up so easily...i really am disappointed in you.
maybe its better for me to leave, maybe its better fot me to end everything, i am tired of crying myself to sleep, tired of every single thing. then can i ask you, where are you when i needed you the most? answer is that you are always with your friends enjoying, at lan gaming. everyday i look at the mirror wishing that one day everything will change, everything would turn out different, but it never see to be coming through.
i took all the blame, your friends, mine and yours, i never did one time say anything, i even let you lecture, put everything in the risk of ending, do you know how much it hurts? maybe it was me who brought everything upon.
but can you put yourself in my shoes?
when its really time, i wont say a thing and leave.

a circuit.

life is like a circuit, in parallel or in series. wire, light bulbs and switch is needed to connect it into a circuit, is like life.
wire are like the road of the life, connecting every pieces and obstacles togeter, switch is like your heart, on, off or dying mode, light bulbs are like the emotions of your life, when you are happy its on, when you are down its off, and when you are moody or neutral its dim. isnt it like life?
when you hit an obstacles or a problems in life, the switch ans light bulbs is there, nothing can tear them apart, love could be like this, ups and downs, highs and lows, happy and sad. nobody can predict what will happen next because its all predestined. nobody can change what has happened once, but to learn from it. people say: "nothing matter what happens, never give up, live your life to the fullest and enjoy every bits of it, you wont regret." but sometimes no matter how to live your life to the fullest, there will still be regrets because someone special might leave you. life isnt easy, so does relationships in love. nothing isnt easy, you arent a genius, you cant solve every problem, nobody can, even a genius cant. i keep complaining that i am tired, i might just go one day, but it isnt that easy, in order to leave everything behind, you need alot of courage, even to pick up from every lesson, everyone has its reason, has its problem, but if everybody couldhave been united, problems would have been solved easily, if these world doesnt have chaos, doesnt have hatered and everyone can forgive each other easily, wouldnt it be world peace? as i said life isnt easy so does releationships, it gets really tiring at times, it gets really hurtful at times, but if we could put in more effort, we would get less hurts and tiredness.
life is like a circuit.

A day out with love . 14102011 .

yesyes! when out with valentine to vivo for 3hrs of singing! :D awesome much .
sing until my voice almost ran away from me :( aww...
yeah, when to get so foooddddd~ yum yum... andand , baby , fell asleep for 3plus hrs , and i am lonely for that long .
i find baby a pig :x heheh ! keep sleep sleep sleep !
but still anyway , i love this baby of mine <3 !
just past our 5th month recently , time really pass so fast ~
exams are over ! (Y) time for some slacking :D when the results is out , dooms day !
but nevermind , i dont mind ><
need some rest , minds off !

why is the world just so scary?

i never told anyone howi really feel, i dont want anybody to know how much i am going through, but i am tired of crying myself to sleep, tired of being disappointed, tired of worrying and being scared of losing you. i am really really really tired, but you never know.
i feel so insercure, i am scared really scared.
when its time i really would go, i will let you find your own happiness, if a relationship has an expiry date then what for is it call a relationship?
boy...i love you, but i am really hurt.
i really could no longer smile and laugh, my days are really moody, i can breakdown anytime, i am weak.
i am not me. i really want to be alone now.

when it is time to leave i will leave, i dont need wait for you to dump me or whatsoever. eventhough you just say for fun or what, i dont bother, all you need to know is that one day when i cant take it i will leave like how your maid does, leaving silently without saying anything. 
my heart is numb and dead. 
i may be weak right now, but once i leave, dont regret.
i am tired of all this nonsense, everyone has a limit in everything, i am not a robot, even a robot has a tolerance limit, although it isnt a human.
one day when i dont care about how you are, i will not be soft hearted again.
i have given in, i have tried my best, is this is the outcome you want then let it be.
i'm not fit for you then...i shall let go. 
you never know how much your words hurt me, until you go through it.
i am not like other girls, dont expect so much. 

"trust me, i know howit feels; to cry in the shower so no one will hear you. to wait for everyone to fall asleep, just so you can fall apart. for everything to hurt so badly, you just want it to end. i know exactly how it feels."

 yes. sometimes i will cry in the shower so nobody know that i am crying, sometimes, i just feel like giving up everything i have now and just end my life like that.

i dont know how long more could i  be strong enough to pass through every obstacles, and in fact, my heart is already dying and numbing up, i feel so tired...

i didnt blame anyone for anything, and if really one day i just go, i just want my family to stay strong, united and happy, please dont cry, i dont want, and deeply, i love you all very much.

and boy...life still continue, move on if i really did go, i didnt blame you for those hurts and sadness that you have cause me, and i want you to be happy, continue with another better girl, the one who will suits you better, and treat her well if not other guys would, give her everything she wants, love her, trust her, and never cheat or lie to her, dont grieve on anything because i didnt.

i know its stupid of me to just end a life just like that, but seriously i am way too tired, although i may laugh and smile, act like one crazy woman, but no ones will know how hurt am i deep inside, and sometimes even me, myself doesnt know, i feel so lost at times, but no one was there to guide me, i dont know what to do, all i could was to sit down there, face the four dead white pillars stare at it and wait for time to pass...

but still life have to go on, thats for sure. 1 more day left.

because nobody will ever know how one feel, i guess, i about to snap, but who knows? NOBODY!

my head, my mind, there is so many things, my heart it seems like there is a stone pressing on it and it is making me feel breathless, my heartbeat increased every now and then, i started getting worried every now and then, i am really really scared, but do you know, i am living in fear every single day, i couldnt enjoy myself, it seems like there is no freedom at all, i am falling sick, yet i cant, sometimes i wonder am i still important to you? there is so many times i tried to hold back my tears, infront of you, infront of my friends, but somehow it seems to tear by itself. nobody knows how much my heart is crying for help, it is bleeding, bleeding, it cant be stopped. everytime i thought that my smile could last for the whole day, but  i was wrong, it couldnt last, i was just putting on a fake smile every single day, why couldnt anybody understand me?