if i cried a thousand tears tonight, would you come back to me tonight?

yeah, even if I cried a thousand tears tonight for you, you wouldn't even come back anymore. you have left.

when people ask "how are you?" , you would always want to tell them that you are actually broken, useless, alone, clueless, used, betrayed, fragile, tears, confused, depressed, anxious, about to break down, ready to give up, annoying, burden, lonely, distance, bitter, heartbreak, crushed, I feel like I'm going to break and fall apart any moment, empty, defeated and never good enough. but in the end, the answer you give is "fine. :)" doesn't it hurts? especially when the person that asked you is someone who you love, or cared about or someone you was once with, it is like you want to tell them how exactly you feel, but in the end, the reply is always a fine.

yeah, "I'm fine" but in actual fact, I never was. it was all the acting. those smile. that tells the person Im actually fine. all the insecurities acting up. all the reminisces. all the memories. all the past. all the times we had, we once spend together. it's all gone in a minute. and here I am acting that I'm okay.

'heartbreak is an odd kind of pain, you're not dying. you're not even sick. yet you hurt so much.'
isn't it true?

Ive seen people going through heartbreaks, even I do. heartbreak is the worst kind of pain, worst than being sick, worst than dying. the worst kind of pain that a person could have. imagine someone whom you love dearly, left you. the pain is worst than youve thought. you thought that you can get through it even if they are gone. but in actual fact, it is kept behind your brain, and whenever your feeling down, you get reminded of the past, and it hurts even more. I hate the times when I'm alone, when no one was there for you, when you're alone in the house. when you cry yourself to sleep at night. when the next morning you wake up you want to sleep even more to forget about it. when you want to escape from reality. but you couldn't. no matter how much you try. it hurts.

what hurts the most. was being so close. having so much to say. and watching you walk away.
too many people walk into and out of my life, and those were the important people whom play a big part to my life, I miss them so much, I don't want to lose anymore because I know I can't take anymore blow. I can't handle all of these anymore. I hate all of this. sometimes I wish, I wasnt born in the first place.
I feel so insecure, everytime I sed someone prettier than me, I tend to look down on the floor and walk past them. everytime I see someone smarter then me, I feel so dumb and stupid. everytime I see someone more famous than me, I wish to be like them. everytime I see someone skinnier then me, I find myself fat. everything we do, we will get judge.

this society feels so sick.

I just need you here with me.
that someone I could share everything with. that someone who will love me for who I am, who doesn't care about my past, about how I look. that someone who I can hug everyday. who can comfort me when I'm down. who can cheer me up when I'm sad. who will act childish with me when I'm happy.
true love doesn't exist. nothing is forever. nothing is always. they are just a word.
right now, I just want to escape to somewhere which I can just forget about everything.