△ alone.

sometimes being alone is the best. I see people going through crushed, love, breakups and heartbreaks.
nobody seems to be enjoying life. life is hard. nobody said it was easy.

sometimes people need just sometime off being alone and thinking through.

so over you?

'im so over you its crazy, take your number of my phone, boy im doing just fine alone :') '

have been updating much, because i have the time, yeah..

have been thinking alot this 2-3 days... sickening...what can i do?

im letting go.

girl, why are you so silly to hold on about the past, you gotta let go.

its time too~

i told myself, if one day you come back running to me, i wont go back to you anymore. 

i had enough of everything, i had enough of you hurting me when im with you.

even if we are together again, it will never be the same. cause WE WERE NEVER MEANT FOR EACH OTHER.

after so much we have gone through, you are the one who left. you are the one who leave me all in this shit, you are the one who let go. you are the one who walk away. 

have you forget what you promise me? i forgot, promises are meant to be broken. those promises you made are meant to be broken by you, yourself.

i bet you long forgotten every promises you made. everything you said. everything we have gone through.

I HAD ENOUGH OF ALL THIS. do you even know how much i have been hurt by you when we were together. how much i have to go through alone.

im sorry for being emotional. 

you, yourself choose this path. 

i promised ill be there for you when you needed someone, but please, dont take it for granted. 

cause, im walking away now, not wanting to bother about anymore thing.

i feel so stress up. i keep thinking about the past, its driving me mad. i cant take it anymore, everything, its just killing me.

actual fact.

Okay, I can't sleep. and I just got wakened up automatically.

I used to tell myself not to fall so deep, not to trust you so much, not to love you too much, not to give in so much, and not to put in so much. because in the end, I would get hurt and you would leave. that's why you always said that I don't trust you. not because I don't want to trust you, because I'm scared of getting hurt, I'm scared of one sided love. I'm scared of having you leaving me. yes. I'm scared.
they said that it was only puppy love. they said that we will never last. they said that you were just a player. they said that you don't really love me.
in actual fact, was all this true?
I guess, I will only agree to half of it, the other half was fake.

thinking of what we used to have, thinking of the past relationship I got into. thinking of how I used to fall and get crushed on some guys.

it made me scared of loving someone else again. it made me have a phobia of loving someone.

one sided love. cheated love. puppy love. true love. triangle love.

isnt all this what's that people want and scared of?

I advise people, maybe my junior, never to get into a relationship at a young age because it kills, it caused you unnecessary distruption and hurt, because you are still young and there's no need to rush into one.

the time I break with you, the wasn't any tears, until I started thinking about it I cried, everytime I think about it, all I can do is crying, wishing that it didn't turned out like that, hoping that time would change back so that I wouldn't make the same mistake.

but, I know....that all this wouldn't happen, I must used this as a lesson learn. I must learn to let go and move on. I know I can do it, but people, you gotta know that it's hard, it's way too hard to forget someone who you once love, it's hard to forget those memories youre holding on too. those happy times.

if i cried a thousand tears tonight, would you come back to me tonight?

yeah, even if I cried a thousand tears tonight for you, you wouldn't even come back anymore. you have left.

when people ask "how are you?" , you would always want to tell them that you are actually broken, useless, alone, clueless, used, betrayed, fragile, tears, confused, depressed, anxious, about to break down, ready to give up, annoying, burden, lonely, distance, bitter, heartbreak, crushed, I feel like I'm going to break and fall apart any moment, empty, defeated and never good enough. but in the end, the answer you give is "fine. :)" doesn't it hurts? especially when the person that asked you is someone who you love, or cared about or someone you was once with, it is like you want to tell them how exactly you feel, but in the end, the reply is always a fine.

yeah, "I'm fine" but in actual fact, I never was. it was all the acting. those smile. that tells the person Im actually fine. all the insecurities acting up. all the reminisces. all the memories. all the past. all the times we had, we once spend together. it's all gone in a minute. and here I am acting that I'm okay.

'heartbreak is an odd kind of pain, you're not dying. you're not even sick. yet you hurt so much.'
isn't it true?

Ive seen people going through heartbreaks, even I do. heartbreak is the worst kind of pain, worst than being sick, worst than dying. the worst kind of pain that a person could have. imagine someone whom you love dearly, left you. the pain is worst than youve thought. you thought that you can get through it even if they are gone. but in actual fact, it is kept behind your brain, and whenever your feeling down, you get reminded of the past, and it hurts even more. I hate the times when I'm alone, when no one was there for you, when you're alone in the house. when you cry yourself to sleep at night. when the next morning you wake up you want to sleep even more to forget about it. when you want to escape from reality. but you couldn't. no matter how much you try. it hurts.

what hurts the most. was being so close. having so much to say. and watching you walk away.
too many people walk into and out of my life, and those were the important people whom play a big part to my life, I miss them so much, I don't want to lose anymore because I know I can't take anymore blow. I can't handle all of these anymore. I hate all of this. sometimes I wish, I wasnt born in the first place.
I feel so insecure, everytime I sed someone prettier than me, I tend to look down on the floor and walk past them. everytime I see someone smarter then me, I feel so dumb and stupid. everytime I see someone more famous than me, I wish to be like them. everytime I see someone skinnier then me, I find myself fat. everything we do, we will get judge.

this society feels so sick.

I just need you here with me.
that someone I could share everything with. that someone who will love me for who I am, who doesn't care about my past, about how I look. that someone who I can hug everyday. who can comfort me when I'm down. who can cheer me up when I'm sad. who will act childish with me when I'm happy.
true love doesn't exist. nothing is forever. nothing is always. they are just a word.
right now, I just want to escape to somewhere which I can just forget about everything.

used to be.now.

yes, him, 09052011. 

He was my first love. he was the one i spend 6months plus with. he was the one who cared when no one else bother. he was the one who stood up for me. he was the one who was there to talk to me when there wasnt.

now thats he gone for good. im back to where im before. i know although there are times i still do miss you, still reminisce about the times i was with you. 

if we are still together, in another 4days, it will be our 1st year. have you forgotten?

i cant imagine you being happy with someone else. we both didnt make it the future. im sorry. 

im quite happy with my life now.i really dont wish to contact you anymore. sorry.

im missing him now, someone who had replaced you. 

but, i dont think we are meant to be, i just have to wait for the right one, i really wish my friends would stop trying to help me matchmake me and him together. 

if its meant to be, it will be.

let natural take its course.