okay, so this is a thought that I dig out from a piece of paper written when i was with you.
I...I...I love you like a love song baby.
cause you'll be in my heart.
I ain't perfect but I've tried.
sorry, I can't be a perfect girlfriend.
I can't be like your ex, maybe, she's far better than me, she can go all the way to your house just to pass you porridge when your sick. she can spend time cooking for you, she's the best, I can't win her in your heart.
and up till now, I still feel very insercure, I'm scared of losing you, but I know one day, it will happen. either you leave or I leave, either you go or I go.
all I can do is everyday sit and watch than act.
it's destiny or fate.
I'm sorry I can't bring to you happiness, care, love that you wanted, I only brought you tiredness, irritating nonsense, sadness to you. I'm sorry.
sometimes I think that leaving you was better for the both of us, because, actually, I'm tired of fighting those fears, fighting those insecureness, every morning I wakeup fighting, hoping, wishing that you won't cheat, you won't leave me.
could you tell how much pain I was going through?
my heart's bleeding, crying; my mind, full of thoughts; this is going crazy.
I'm just a useless and good for nothing bitch, getting jealous easily, throwing trantrum as and when I like, saying things which hurts people, complaining, acting crazy, yeah, I'm like that.
I hate my life. I hate all these. I hate being sad. I hate crying myself to sleep!
the reason why I always get bullied is that I'm ugly, fat, nice to bully, always keeping quiet, keeping everything in my heart.
I will never learn to open up my heart, I keep bottling up everything till I'm numb.
I could never make my family proud, could never make people happy.
no one understand and no one will.
everytime when I want to pour everythig out, no one would lend my their ears, and shoulders, no one knows I'm sad, I ended up crying to the four pillars and myself.
im suffering all these alone and it's killing me.
yeah, that's the end of it.
Sunday, February 12, 2012
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
△Life is a road of misery
misery-times when you always feel alone even though you are with someone, no one seems to cares and understand how you feel.
valentines day is coming and guess what? I'm spending it alone, when I was with you, I use to think that I could spend my birthday, Christmas, new year, Chinese new year, your birthday, valentines day and every month together, but I was wrong, those wishful hopings were just great disappointment, everytime I think of the past with you, my tears will start to roll down my cheeks, you know why? cause until now I still can't forget, it's seems like my heart is still holding on, and I find it so wasted to just end it off like that. we used to quarrel and fight over small matters, get back and done with it. but a small quarrel could lead into breakups.
people always thought, 'aiya, small quarrel only ma, nothing will happen de' but do you know that a small quarrel could turn into unhappiness, breakups, regrets. it's just a small quarrel, but it has a large impact, things that people thought wont happen, and it's only cause by a small matter.
but when it comes to a big matter; quarrel and arguments, reaction of people 'oh shit, what am I suppose to do, i was really wrong, I shouldnt have done that' these may also lead to breakups, but it helps to improve on relationships.
everything has its pros and cons. it depends on what you chose. since I choose to walk onto a road of misery, I will walk till the end.
if you ask me, have I ever been happy, my answer will be , no. everytime when I start to be happy, the sadness guilt will start to come in and you will see a big change in my emotions, i feel so tight, it's like I have never been free-ed, and maybe the day when I'm free-ed is the day when I know how to be happy and lean to let go. so, people, remember to stay happy always, remember that everything you do, you have to pay the price for it. remember that whatever you do in life, never chose the path that you will regret, think twice before you act or say anything.
valentines day is coming and guess what? I'm spending it alone, when I was with you, I use to think that I could spend my birthday, Christmas, new year, Chinese new year, your birthday, valentines day and every month together, but I was wrong, those wishful hopings were just great disappointment, everytime I think of the past with you, my tears will start to roll down my cheeks, you know why? cause until now I still can't forget, it's seems like my heart is still holding on, and I find it so wasted to just end it off like that. we used to quarrel and fight over small matters, get back and done with it. but a small quarrel could lead into breakups.
people always thought, 'aiya, small quarrel only ma, nothing will happen de' but do you know that a small quarrel could turn into unhappiness, breakups, regrets. it's just a small quarrel, but it has a large impact, things that people thought wont happen, and it's only cause by a small matter.
but when it comes to a big matter; quarrel and arguments, reaction of people 'oh shit, what am I suppose to do, i was really wrong, I shouldnt have done that' these may also lead to breakups, but it helps to improve on relationships.
everything has its pros and cons. it depends on what you chose. since I choose to walk onto a road of misery, I will walk till the end.
if you ask me, have I ever been happy, my answer will be , no. everytime when I start to be happy, the sadness guilt will start to come in and you will see a big change in my emotions, i feel so tight, it's like I have never been free-ed, and maybe the day when I'm free-ed is the day when I know how to be happy and lean to let go. so, people, remember to stay happy always, remember that everything you do, you have to pay the price for it. remember that whatever you do in life, never chose the path that you will regret, think twice before you act or say anything.
Saturday, February 4, 2012
'i live in misery' -maroon 5
I feel so alone, why do you have to leave and then come back? I really hate it, I'm like going back to my old self, someone who will cry every time, no longer know what is happiness, who will stalk you and visit your profile everyday, she misses you alot and when she sees you again, she's going to burst into tears. :'( do you know how she feels now? She feels so empty, she want to breakdown anytime, she wants you here with her so badly, she wants you to change, she wants your hug so badly, she wants you to care for her again and never repeat what you did. But could you do that for her boy? Can you love her the way her mother nags, her father cares, her brother comfort and her bestie talk to her, how her boyfriend care and could be like a best friend to turn too? Could you? I really doubt, you came back and ruin her life onece again, she is feeling so upset, it seems I've she never get over it once, even after 2months. How is she going to survive all this? How is she going to gt it of this misery, this sadness and torment? Isolation is all she knows, it feels like nobody ever cared for her once, like nobody ever love her before, and alL she knows is alone, empty, tears and hurts. No one could jeer open her eart up, no one cold ever understand what she want and how she feels. She cry herself to sleep, she cries when she bath, this routines happens very single day,and when she wake up, is a new night a for her, when she sleep she wishes that she never have wake up, she wishes that all this could end, she is running away, she couldn't face the reality, nor the world, she could no longer take it anymore. She want to give up. Her life. Her world.
I feel so alone, why do you have to leave and then come back? I really hate it, I'm like going back to my old self, someone who will cry every time, no longer know what is happiness, who will stalk you and visit your profile everyday, she misses you alot and when she sees you again, she's going to burst into tears. :'( do you know how she feels now? She feels so empty, she want to breakdown anytime, she wants you here with her so badly, she wants you to change, she wants your hug so badly, she wants you to care for her again and never repeat what you did. But could you do that for her boy? Can you love her the way her mother nags, her father cares, her brother comfort and her bestie talk to her, how her boyfriend care and could be like a best friend to turn too? Could you? I really doubt, you came back and ruin her life onece again, she is feeling so upset, it seems I've she never get over it once, even after 2months. How is she going to survive all this? How is she going to gt it of this misery, this sadness and torment? Isolation is all she knows, it feels like nobody ever cared for her once, like nobody ever love her before, and alL she knows is alone, empty, tears and hurts. No one could jeer open her eart up, no one cold ever understand what she want and how she feels. She cry herself to sleep, she cries when she bath, this routines happens very single day,and when she wake up, is a new night a for her, when she sleep she wishes that she never have wake up, she wishes that all this could end, she is running away, she couldn't face the reality, nor the world, she could no longer take it anymore. She want to give up. Her life. Her world.
Thursday, February 2, 2012
A Note For You.
I'm really really happy that seeing you with your friends celebrating your birthday, being so happy, I never seen you such happy before, and I'm really glad. but at the same time, I'm also disappointed in myself, not being able to be there for you when you need someone, to leave and to let go, forget. I guess you really did enjoy huh! that's great :) all this while when I was with you, I thought that I could be the one spending my birthday, Christmas, Chinese new year, your birthday and valentine day, but I was just to naive. I thought that we could be together for long, but I was wrong, wrong in everything. you have to spend it all alone and sames goes to me. it doesn't matter whether I'm happy anot, but most importantly, you are. from the day I know you, to the day we are together and to the day we break. it wasn't called a regret. I really enjoyed. but at the end of the day, one day, we both have to forget about all this and get on with life. letting go and moving on, so I really hope that you can forget those 6months time with me. thank you, and once again, happy birthday :')
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